Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
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Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.