Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
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Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Cndnsd Mlk
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Breaking news:
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland