Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
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hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
step 6: release the wall snake
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
🙀🙀🙀😹
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
watergate? u mean a dam??
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude