I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
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That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
turning my gender off to conserve energy
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
is this a warning or an offer?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.