MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
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This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I am yelling
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member