My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
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Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*