“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
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I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
DOOO EEEET
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
United Steaks of America
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998