It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
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My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*