[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
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Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Would you wear it?
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
You have been warned.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”