My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
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Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Rt to bother an English speaker
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
SF is the wild wild west man
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade