Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
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*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all