It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
You Might Also Like
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
felt that
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now