if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
You Might Also Like
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.