me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
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I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?