Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
You Might Also Like
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Britain be like
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*