Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
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A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held