OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷‍♀️
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For when Tinder doesn’t work
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Brilliant!
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?