My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
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“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads