[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
You Might Also Like
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Happy thanksgiving
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you