Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
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Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
then why did i get this email
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.