I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
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Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I’m Sold!
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.