The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
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Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.