[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
You Might Also Like
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it