let’s discuss
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I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.