I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
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The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
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No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.