You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
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What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.