Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
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[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.