“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
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The cashier just checked me out.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.