I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
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Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
#ProTip
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.