“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
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These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself