Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
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*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
groan^2