Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
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FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*