yes… yes…
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Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
yeah 😭
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.