I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
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To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”