I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
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When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Always
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Did my cat write this
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂