Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
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My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!