“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
You Might Also Like
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
2022: I can fix it