I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
You Might Also Like
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
fixed it
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.