[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
You Might Also Like
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID