If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
You Might Also Like
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now