PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
You Might Also Like
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos