I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
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Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Y’all ready for this
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*