If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
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Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
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Squash
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
79.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time