Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
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Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Battery falling down a hole
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”