A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
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There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.