I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
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I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?