Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
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a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious