My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
You Might Also Like
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
lol
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’