friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
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Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers