Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
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When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap